I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
