I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
