I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
