his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
