dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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