god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dear god my vagina.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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