after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
