The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
