i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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