too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
