I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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