A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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