you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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