May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
