woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
