The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
