I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
