I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
