i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
