New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
