I feel like abortions should bother me more
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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