i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
50% drunk capacity currently
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
