I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
