So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
