i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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