my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
