1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she smelled like a LAN party
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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