Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
