Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Randomize
