She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
