yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
