Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
