Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
