How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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