Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
