even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
