my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
