The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
