the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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