he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
