He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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