When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
