She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
