Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
