I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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