what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
