You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
