____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
