and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
