The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm sobbing to NWA
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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