My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
