They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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